PPA – 2

It has taken a really long time to get back to writing this. Real parenting has been getting in the way of my virtual catharsis.  I’ve been learning about the spread of disease in small communities.  It has been a very enlightening time. To be fair, not only have the children had to deal wth the return to school which brings some kind of bacterial fiesta but they’ve also had to contend with the bugs of Worcestershire.  Major learning outcomes have been:-

A. It’s not that bad when a small child exorcist pukes on you. It’s actually quite warm weirdly.

B Worcestershire Royal’s fold out chair beds are dreadful and will incur steep massage charges if you want to watch your son all night.  As a side note, it did convince me that Business Class can’t be worth it if all you have is a fold out chair.  

Tonight though, I have re-discovered the Bombay Sapphire.  It was an effort.  In my old life, my Bombay Sapphire used to smile warmly at me from the shelf when I came home from school (I am a teacher, not a delinquent).  Now, it hides in a deep, dark corner in the upper recesses of nowhere.   I can’t remember when I last poured a soothing drop.  Not that there’s a drop in there tonight.  There is criminal excess of alcohol  in my seemingly harmless glass with the cute little strawberries on.

I digress, the gin courses through my aching limbs…

So…. off we went to three days of intensive preparation for adoption.  For intensive read harrowing, life-changing, life-affirming, emotionally draining crash course on children who wait.  My husband was pretty prepared for what was going to happen. None of the information was new to him but he now had to come at this from the point of view of a parent.  This was actually quite tricky for him as there was the obvious temptation to be teacher’s pet.  There was a smug sense of pride when he did get things right though… As a professional myself in the care of children, I was unprepared for how little I really knew about child development.  It was difficult to realise that I was suddenly on the back foot.  All that pedagogical knowledge wasn’t relevant for this massive task.  I had to admit that I really didn’t know what I was doing.  So far, so like every other first time mother I’ve ever met.  

We found ourselves in a room with only six other people.  This was both comforting and terrifying.  Lovely that we would be in such an intimate group but also we were going to be so obvious to the trainers – and they were watching.  Our responses throughout the training were, of course, being watched.  They needed to know what we were not going to say something shockingly inapparopriate like – you know, I probably shouldn’t say anything shockingly inappropriate in print!  Those of you who know me well wil appreciate that this was all terrifying.  People I didn’t know. A building I’d never been in.  Expected to talk out loud about my thoughts and feelings at length – and no alcohol! It’s a testament to the trainers and the atmosphere at Adoption Focus that I actually did fully participate.  It helped that there were people in the room that truly understood what we had been through over the past few years.  Two of those people we are still in touch with and are sharing our adoption journey with over a year later.  

I cannot possibly share everything that happened during those three days.  Some of the things that were discussed and thought about were intensely personal revelations or incredibly painful.  We learned unpalatable truths about where these children were coming from and attempted some understanding and empathy (yes, empathy) with the parents.  The most important elements for me were:-

1. Understanding the importance of memory.  One of the activities we had to do was to write down a memory which was ours alone. Something special.  This was then given to someone else in the group.  I cannot describe the feeling of knowing that a stranger was holding my memory.  This was mine.  How dare he be holding it in his hand like it s a shopping list!  Doesn’t he understand how much love and loss is wrapped up in that sentence?! But, of course, that’s the point.  WHen you become the guardian for your little one’s past, then that is a special honour.  You owe it your protection and your care for ever.  That’s an unparalleled responsibility because they might forget .  They need you to guard it and bring it back to them when they are ready. 

2. The parents are victims too.  Whilst there are some very bad people out there, not all of them are parents whose children are going up for adoption.  They are frequently victims of the system themselves.  They are ill.  They are helpless. They do love their children but they don’t know how to do it.   They haven’t set out to harm their children.  I know this first hand but that’s for another post. 

3. The children won’t see this as a fairy tale.  These are children who are grieving.  Whatever they have come from, they have still lost their parents; people whom they love deeply.  They won’t see coming to your home as being rescued.  Don’t expect gratitude.  This was a hard one to accept.  Going back to my original romantic notions, you think that once you show them their fantastic new room, clothes, toys or whatever, they’re going to be in love with you. Well, they wont.  You’re just one more stop along the way.  You have to work hard to prove to them that you’re different, that they can trust you and that you’re not going anywhere.  

It was an intense time. We were emotionally exhausted by the end. They have to be honest with you.  You have to know what it will be like.  At the end though, we were completely committed. More than before. We knew it was right.  WE knew we could do this.  Truth be told, we could not wait.